“There’s always someone worse off in the world.” How many times have you heard this said to you? How many times have you said it yourself? I find this expression, although generally true, to be extremely frustrating. Meeting up for a coffee, a friend might share they are going through a difficult time. It is a huge deal in their life, causing them pain and distress, and after sharing, they’ll stoically shrug their shoulders and say, “sure there’s always someone worse off than you.” It’s as if to say in the grand scheme of things, their distress doesn’t matter.

 

Now, I don’t believe in wallowing in your pain to the extent where it becomes part of your identity; where because your sense of injustice and unfairness of the hand life has dealt you, you constantly wear bitterness or anger like a cloak. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about how it is ok, to not be ok.

 

I was at a conference recently where this seemed to be the main theme. Leaders, who appeared to have it all together shared on stage, their own stories of not being ok. Rather than just brushing their suffering under the carpet, they held their heads high as they declared, ‘I have been in pain,’ and for some, ‘I am still in pain.’ It was liberating to see leaders who are doing all these amazing things, admitting that sometimes they feel overwhelmed and are just figuring it out from one day to the next. It communicated that the fact you are struggling doesn’t keep you from playing the game, from making a difference, from being a wonderful human being.

 

A quote that stood out was when Tre Sheppard said, “I learned that my wife’s tears were not a sign she was giving up.” I think this is so key. Admitting to our vulnerability and the fact that we’re not doing ok, doesn’t mean  we have given up.

 

Dr Brené Brown, author of, ‘Daring Greatly. How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead,’ draws an important distinction between vulnerability and weakness. We often see the two as synonymous, yet there is a significant distinction. She defines vulnerability as, “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure,” whereas the dictionary definition of weakness is, “the inability to withstand attack or wounding.” Dr Brown points out that weakness often stems from a lack of vulnerability and states, “when we don’t acknowledge how and where we’re tender, we’re more at risk of being hurt.”

 

When we constantly put a brave face on our difficulties, we are giving out the message that our feelings don’t matter. It isn’t a healthy way to live as no matter how good we are at masking it, our pain always finds a route and way to express itself. Whether it’s snapping at loved ones, comfort eating or dependence on alcohol.

 

Instead we need to choose healthy tools and habits in the midst of our difficulties. The first step however is owning up to the fact we’re not ok.

 

Do talk to someone you are close to, being honest with where you’re at. Often we have shame attached to the fact we are not coping better, which can silence and devalue us. Dr Brené Brown, encourages us to build shame resilience, and one way of doing this is by sharing our distress with someone else.

 

Do be thankful. Studies have shown that when we are thankful it helps shift our perspective. Even though our circumstances haven’t changed, we feel more hopeful and are happier. Being thankful also has the benefit of improved sleep, health and better relationships. So many benefits stem from the simple practice of daily recognising the things you have to be thankful for.

 

Do chose healthy tools. Although the unhealthy tools may make us feel better briefly, they ultimately tend to make us feel worse. Try exercise, art, journaling, a walk on the beach. Find what works for you.

 

Yes there very likely is someone else worse off than you in the world right now. However that doesn’t undermine your story. You matter, wherever you’re at right now. Just because you’re not ok doesn’t mean you are weak and failing at life. Be kind in your thoughts towards yourself and remember, it’s ok to not be ok.