I wish this article were about the Eurovision song contest or even a generic football championship of the same title. Fortunately for me and for readers of this blog, it concerns the no less interesting topic of the European Parliament elections which are soon to be upon us. Well, in political terms at least. For although Harold Wilson once said that “a week is a long time in politics”, politicians certainly waste none of their precious time prematurely kick-starting their electoral campaigns prior to voting day.

Once more, that ever-dwindling body of democrats we call “the electorate”, and indeed their burgeoning opposite, “the non-voters”, will be bombarded with streams of seemingly infinite literature on those “bread and butter” issues and why Mr. X or the ABC Party will undoubtedly be better for YOU than Mrs. Y and that god-awful XYZ Party. Most citizens will have the luxury of receiving this literature through their letterbox, allowing them to sit down with their toast in one hand and a leaflet in the other before finishing off the crusts of the first and binning the second. For most, this is the only real interaction they will have had with their local representative in quite some time. In fact, the average voter will not likely have heard from any of this year’s candidates since roughly four years ago. But for the unfortunate few, they will be summarily cross-examined on their views by a hopeful suit darkening their doorway prior to that special day. More likely than not, this will be the voter’s chance to get even with the suit either for reneging on his prior promises or, if the suit is a fresh one, to tell him that he is “just like the rest of them”. The suit will leave, mentally deflated before replacing the smile for the attacker’s neighbour.

The process of electoral campaigning that has been ritualised over many centuries is the only one that creates such a sense of foreboding both in its instigators (the politicians) and in its victims (the electorate). So it is no surprise, then, that the public, cynical or otherwise, sigh in resignation when another contender throws its hat into the ring. Northern Ireland, in particular, has had its fair share of political realignments with 2013 being the high watermark for seemingly new (but not really) political faces. Not only will this be the first election in which Basil McCrea’s NI21 will take part, but the May 2014 election has also fallen into the crosshairs of independent hopeful and loyalism’s answer to Wayne Rooney, Jamie Bryson. More likely than not, Jim Allister’s staunch TUV will appear on the list as will a UKIP candidate. No shortage of options, then, for those of the unionist/loyalist persuasion. Of particular interest for anyone who could be bothered, is the reemergence of the NI Conservative Party which despite remaining a “full part of the UK Conservative Party” will be “autonomous on devolved issues” according to its chairwoman. I doubt very much that the pundits will be placing bets on this one given the party’s record in the region and their failed pact with the UUP last time round. In any event, those who label themselves as “PUL” will have a hard time deciding which is the best (or worst) option for them and may have to forget about leaving the car engine running outside the polling station as in years past.

To employ those horrible acronyms again, the “CNR” voters might have a more pleasant journey to May 2014. Roughly the same political parties will appear on the ballot albeit with a different face on the posters. With the unionist vote potentially split, both Sinn Fein and the SDLP will be wondering if the result will give them a late Christmas present. The latter, in particular, will be hoping to stave off an electoral collapse as the Sinn Fein electoral machine rattles into action around the province once again.

To provide some final words which I won’t call “game-changers” but will certainly impact upon the nuances of the results; the next generation of voters will be the first to have been born after the first IRA ceasefire of August 1994. This could potentially rock the boat for the parties most likely to rely on traditional voting, such as the DUP, UUP and SDLP. It may also provide some hope for optimism on the part of the Green Party, Alliance and even NI21. The centre-ground is not one that has been highly coveted by the main parties in any of our elections, but with a youth more interested in real and modern issues, it may quickly become a requirement for electoral success.

If you are a citizen who cares for his own mental wellbeing, you will be likely to stay away from electoral hype until as close to voting day as possible. If you are a political pundit, you will over-analyse till the cows come home safe in the knowledge that all your obvious and low-risk predictions will come to fruition. If you are a politician waiting in the wings with a fresh box of election paraphernalia, spare a thought for your would-be constituents. They have endured a cycle of endless predictability that surpasses even a marathon of TOWIE. Unfortunately, there is no sign of either ending. But however despairing the electorate has become, remember that they are always willing to be won back. We await a candidate or individual who can actually do some good for the region (yes, even from as far away as Brussels). But if you are not that candidate, and if you are not that party, please spare us and yourself the embarrassment of trying to convince us and yourself that you are. As hard as you might try, all your vacuous words will be forgotten once the victim at the doorstep goes back to the cooking.