Today is Valentine’s Day, a day every year that encourages couples to plan particularly romantic dates; prompts single individuals to celebrate and bemoan their uncoupled status; and, of course, gives a little extra nudge to make a move on that Special Someone.

This Valentine’s Day, however, is the first since the emergence of the #MeToo movement, in which women around the world have spoken out about sexual harassment and assault that they’ve experienced in almost every single industry.

Over the past several months, #MeToo has sparked a crisis in gender relationships in the workplace, with many men (and women) asking—what is the line between office flirtation and harassment? What if, fearful of inadvertently harassing someone, men never make a move and lose the chance at true love and becoming one of the 20% of married couples who met at work?

For all that I support people falling in love, I don’t necessarily think that this hesitation is a bad thing. The point of #MeToo is that women are saying the current state of affairs isn’t working for them. They want men to reassess their behavior.

These conversations are often very difficult to have because we are talking about many different behaviors at the same time. Sexual assault happens on a spectrum—on the far end, there are people like Harvey Weinstein and Larry Nassar, who clearly abused their power and influence over their female victims in a way that obviously deserves criminal prosecution. On the other end, there are the countless men who say sexually explicit comments to women at work, or maybe touch a knee or an elbow “flirtatiously.” These aren’t the same things—right? So why are we talking about them in the same conversation?

This problem crystalized with the case of Aziz Ansari, who fell precisely in the middle of the spectrum. After Ansari wore a #TimesUp lapel at the Oscars in support of #MeToo, a woman published an account of her date with Ansari in which she claimed that he had violated her, pushing her to have sex with him even when communicated that she was uncomfortable with it. The piece produced a polarized response—some people said this was a step too far, that this woman was simply unassertive in communicating her boundaries; others sympathized, saying that they had found themselves in similar situations, and knew how traumatizing it could be.

Aziz Ansari is not Harvey Weinstein. He did not use physical force to coerce women to sleep with him. So what was wrong with his behavior? And how does this relate to “low-level” workplace harassment?

In 2014, the state of California passed a law changing the definition of consent from the absence of a “No” to the existence of a “Yes.” In other words, consent means saying yes to sex, rather than not saying no.

This distinction is important, as it raises key issues about resistance. Sometimes we hear authentic confusion in these cases: if she didn’t want to, why didn’t she just say no? But if we accept that it is a women’s obligation to resist, troublesome questions emerge. How much resistance? Until 2016, for example, the law in Germany stated that a woman had to be physically resisting assault throughout the entire attack for it to be considered rape.

So we arrive at the problem of Aziz Ansari: sex, Ansari seems to believe, is something that men are entitled to push for (if they say the right things, if they do the right things); women, if we don’t want it, are obligated to resist. Thus, consent is the absence of no, rather than the existence of yes.

Without affirmative consent, sexual assault and harassment cases are structured around the question—why didn’t she resist?

The answer is, of course, complicated. Women know that we are often vulnerable—whether it is because our partners are physically stronger, or because courts of law will not prosecute our perpetrators, or because we are economically dependent on those who would hurt us; or because we are afraid of losing our jobs, or job opportunities, or being “that annoying woman” in the office. Women know that “no” can mean “oh—let’s watch a movie instead”; but it can also mean annoyance, and anger, and “what’s wrong with you?” and “why did you lead me on?” and “are you a virgin then?” and “but you slept with my friend” and “do it or else.” So, sometimes, it is hard to resist.

That is why it is important for us to change our mindsets about consent and have these conversations, whatever end of the spectrum we fall on. You may think that your behavior is just innocuous and fun flirtations, but some women may not think so. If you’re unsure, rather than worrying about whether you might miss out on love, just ask women how they feel.

So this Valentine’s Day, if you have your eye on a cutie pie—ask for a yes. And if you get a no, wish them a happy Valentine’s Day, whatever they do and whoever they spend it with.


Also published on Medium.